Pacify Me by Chris Mancini

Author:Chris Mancini
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: Simon and Schuster
Published: 2009-07-15T00:00:00+00:00

14

The Myths and Truths of Having a Child

When you’re having a child, all of a sudden everyone around you suddenly becomes a wise old guru living on top of a mountain eager to dispense timeless advice on parenting and child care. From the telephone guy to your friends at work, they just repeat canned phrases they’ve heard but never really noticed have very little basis in reality. It’s not even advice. It’s more like parental sound-bite clichés.

Mainly it comes from people who don’t have children and who you barely know. I’m not sure why that happens, but it does. The less you know the person, the dumber the saying. I have collected a list of the most egregiously annoying parental sayings and will tell you if they are true or not.

There’s no best time to have a child.

This first piece of advice has little bearing on reality. Just look at the opposite for a moment. What are some of the worst times to have a child? When you’re too young or too old? You can’t provide for her financially? You’re going to be on the next season of Survivor? If you want truth, the saying should be changed to “There are plenty of horrible times to have a child.”

Pregnant women are beautiful.

Yes, especially when they’re screaming at you for something you did four years ago. Everyone knows pregnant women are not beautiful. They are large, moody, loud, and hungry. Think final scene from Aliens. And I’m not talking about Sigourney Weaver. Saying pregnant women are beautiful is just a clever and useful tactic to calm pregnant women down. The first man who used that phrase was a very wise fellow who just wanted to get some sleep. That’s it.

No man finds a pregnant woman beautiful. That’s the truth. And if he does, he has serious psychological problems best left to professionals to sort out. And I think this is perfectly fine and the way nature intended it. I think it’s nature’s way of saying to the male, “Someone beat you to it. Stay away from this one.” And we do. Gladly. It’s nature’s perfect harmony. Why fight it?

The first year goes by so fast.

Bullshit. You’re sleeping six hours less a night, you have no idea what you’re doing, and your wife doesn’t want to have sex anymore. How does this make things go quicker?! That first year, it feels like a year. And then some.

When it’s your own baby, you’ll feel differently about kids.

I have to say this one is half true. I still find other people’s kids annoying and I don’t really want to be around them. In fact, I still find a lot of other people annoying and I don’t want to be around them. But when it is your own kid, all the rules change.

I think it’s genetically programmed into us. When Isabella was born, I wanted to do everything I could to care for her and make her feel comfortable. It really bothered me when she was crying.

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